the night i lost my head
there's a chimp in my boss' office. i walked in to ask where he put the Truman file and there he was. a chimp in my boss' office. he appeared to be quite puzzled by my surprise, but really, why was there a chimp in my boss' office? instead of asking anyone else about the suit-wearing chimp in my boss' office, i simply asked him where he put the Truman file. he pointed to the filing cabinet across the room and went back to work. i did the same. i figured if he was still there by the end of the day, i'd call animal control or something. that way i'd know if he got home safely.
i find i worry to much. do my socks match my shoes? if i keep driving my suv across country to visit mother every month, will i create enough hazardous emissions to destroy the world? will the suit-wearing chimp in my boss' office get home safely? i know it's a problem, but i'm sure one day it will make a difference. i'll probably cure cancer.
or at least that's what i keep telling myself to counteract reality. imagine my yearbook from the graduating class of '85, a few familiar faces on the empty pages. one signature, from her of course. the baggage i've been carrying around for years. the baggage that even when i load down with gun powder and an assortment of other explosives still makes it through the fucking airport security. it's really no wonder i'm a single 40 year old boy who's married to his job. don't worry, my job is oh-so-important. maybe not my first choice, but i love coming to work and experiencing the smell of carbon paper in the air in the early morn', especially when it's fighting for power with the scent of burnt coffee made by the receptionist with the nice rack.
i am the assistant to the assistant of bill grant, the cities most popular real estate agent. my work may go unnoticed, and my pay cheques are a little grim but it's all worth it for the one glimpse a day of the receptionist with the nice rack's nice rack. plus, i didn't have the attention span for the 4 years it would have taken to become the architect who would build the houses mr. big-shot-grant would sell.
it was 4:37 pm and no one was around. mr. grant's assistant, the receptionist (with the nice rack), and the suit-wearing chimp went home early. i decided to follow suit. i was never much of a leader. my night was much like any other. came home after a 45 minute drive, fed my 3 cats who ignore my existence, check my messages (2 from mother asking if i was still coming for dinner on sunday and to bring wine, the gutenburg's were coming and they want me to meet their german-speaking daughter who is looking to be married so she can stay in america, and one from the landlord telling me my rent is overdue), make a microwave dinner, collapse in front of the television, fall asleep in 10, wake up the next morning and head out to work wearing the same second-hand armani suit from the day before. my co-workers never noticed.
when I arrived at work it was noticeably quieter than any other day out of the 9 years i’ve worked for the great mr. grant. i did a quick lap throughout the building, it was a fact I was the only one there. i was greatly concerned about what could have happened to everyone, but I successfully talked myself out of believing something was wrong. i was quickly reminded of all the shit they’ve pulled while i’ve worked there.
waiting.
“grant probably sent out an emailing explaining we had the day off”
waiting.
“he probably purposely didn’t send it to me, just to fuck with me!”
waiting.
“he wouldn’t do that on purpose. it was just an accident”
waiting.
“everyone hates me here! they’re most likely watching me, laughing! they know my socks don’t match my shoes!”
eventually my debating thoughts allowed me to come to the conclusion that no one was coming into work. so around 4:30 I left, without logging my time. I got in my car and just started driving. I had destruction in my blood. I drove faster and farther than ever before, yet everything looked the same. every town had recognizable landscapes that put a smile on my face. all the years prior had built up to this very moment. all the angry, the frustration, the fear. it was like as time passed, I forgot how to feel and suddenly my body figured out how and now it’s working overtime to catch up, and i’m not getting paid. my fury pushed me far, but eventually it was night and I ran out of gas. this did not bother me because finally i was alone. alone on a deserted highway with my thoughts and… feelings? i looked north. i looked south. i looked east. i looked west. nothing, nothing and more nothing. i felt at home. safe in my surroundings. more time passed and i decided to walk, away from the highway. something was directing me deep within the confides of nothing. it was dark but i didn’t want to find light. the starry sky did me justice. after about half an hour i had grown tired and found a rock to catch my breath on. i had lost the thoughts and feelings from before. i was just awake.
i started kicking around the gravel beneath my feet. submerged textile began to show it’s face. my curiosity brought me to my knees. i pushed away the dusty pebbles and rocks and lifted the material closer so I could get a better look. it was a plaid tie. this tie, it looked so familiar. my head pounded as I tried to remember. then it hit me. the chimp. it was the fucking chimp’s tie.
my heart fell. why was the suit-wearing chimp’s tie out here? why was I out here? why did the chimp have a better suit than me? again, I was full of questions.
”they’re watching me again. they’ve set me up and they are laughing”
my instinct was to run, and i did just that. right when I started feeling safe, i tripped. i tripped over a shoe. a shoe i could recognize with my eyes closed. it was mr.grant’s assistant’s shoe. I knew this because it was all he talked about for weeks when he got them.
I stood up and looked around. there was something just 15 feet away from me. i was hesitant but i walked towards it. what I found was so shocking it took me awhile to comprehend it all. the chimp, mr. grant’s assistant, the receptionist. all dead. each of them gagged with a single bullet whole in the centre of their foreheads. i couldn’t bare to look at them, i was mortified. i would have screamed if I had a voice. i began to pace back and forth trying to think of how this could have happened, and who did it, and why! i looked down upon them and stopped worrying. their eyes were open and they were staring at me. the whites of their eyes glowed in the moonlight. they were watching me and they were laughing. suddenly i couldn’t care less about them. i turned around to walk away and went to place my hand in my back pocket. there was something in it. a gun. i turned and looked at them one last time. co-workers, gun. co-workers, gun. i felt no guilt. i brought the gun to my forehead.
“i won’t be at work for a bit. i’m going missing for a while”
i find i worry to much. do my socks match my shoes? if i keep driving my suv across country to visit mother every month, will i create enough hazardous emissions to destroy the world? will the suit-wearing chimp in my boss' office get home safely? i know it's a problem, but i'm sure one day it will make a difference. i'll probably cure cancer.
or at least that's what i keep telling myself to counteract reality. imagine my yearbook from the graduating class of '85, a few familiar faces on the empty pages. one signature, from her of course. the baggage i've been carrying around for years. the baggage that even when i load down with gun powder and an assortment of other explosives still makes it through the fucking airport security. it's really no wonder i'm a single 40 year old boy who's married to his job. don't worry, my job is oh-so-important. maybe not my first choice, but i love coming to work and experiencing the smell of carbon paper in the air in the early morn', especially when it's fighting for power with the scent of burnt coffee made by the receptionist with the nice rack.
i am the assistant to the assistant of bill grant, the cities most popular real estate agent. my work may go unnoticed, and my pay cheques are a little grim but it's all worth it for the one glimpse a day of the receptionist with the nice rack's nice rack. plus, i didn't have the attention span for the 4 years it would have taken to become the architect who would build the houses mr. big-shot-grant would sell.
it was 4:37 pm and no one was around. mr. grant's assistant, the receptionist (with the nice rack), and the suit-wearing chimp went home early. i decided to follow suit. i was never much of a leader. my night was much like any other. came home after a 45 minute drive, fed my 3 cats who ignore my existence, check my messages (2 from mother asking if i was still coming for dinner on sunday and to bring wine, the gutenburg's were coming and they want me to meet their german-speaking daughter who is looking to be married so she can stay in america, and one from the landlord telling me my rent is overdue), make a microwave dinner, collapse in front of the television, fall asleep in 10, wake up the next morning and head out to work wearing the same second-hand armani suit from the day before. my co-workers never noticed.
when I arrived at work it was noticeably quieter than any other day out of the 9 years i’ve worked for the great mr. grant. i did a quick lap throughout the building, it was a fact I was the only one there. i was greatly concerned about what could have happened to everyone, but I successfully talked myself out of believing something was wrong. i was quickly reminded of all the shit they’ve pulled while i’ve worked there.
waiting.
“grant probably sent out an emailing explaining we had the day off”
waiting.
“he probably purposely didn’t send it to me, just to fuck with me!”
waiting.
“he wouldn’t do that on purpose. it was just an accident”
waiting.
“everyone hates me here! they’re most likely watching me, laughing! they know my socks don’t match my shoes!”
eventually my debating thoughts allowed me to come to the conclusion that no one was coming into work. so around 4:30 I left, without logging my time. I got in my car and just started driving. I had destruction in my blood. I drove faster and farther than ever before, yet everything looked the same. every town had recognizable landscapes that put a smile on my face. all the years prior had built up to this very moment. all the angry, the frustration, the fear. it was like as time passed, I forgot how to feel and suddenly my body figured out how and now it’s working overtime to catch up, and i’m not getting paid. my fury pushed me far, but eventually it was night and I ran out of gas. this did not bother me because finally i was alone. alone on a deserted highway with my thoughts and… feelings? i looked north. i looked south. i looked east. i looked west. nothing, nothing and more nothing. i felt at home. safe in my surroundings. more time passed and i decided to walk, away from the highway. something was directing me deep within the confides of nothing. it was dark but i didn’t want to find light. the starry sky did me justice. after about half an hour i had grown tired and found a rock to catch my breath on. i had lost the thoughts and feelings from before. i was just awake.
i started kicking around the gravel beneath my feet. submerged textile began to show it’s face. my curiosity brought me to my knees. i pushed away the dusty pebbles and rocks and lifted the material closer so I could get a better look. it was a plaid tie. this tie, it looked so familiar. my head pounded as I tried to remember. then it hit me. the chimp. it was the fucking chimp’s tie.
my heart fell. why was the suit-wearing chimp’s tie out here? why was I out here? why did the chimp have a better suit than me? again, I was full of questions.
”they’re watching me again. they’ve set me up and they are laughing”
my instinct was to run, and i did just that. right when I started feeling safe, i tripped. i tripped over a shoe. a shoe i could recognize with my eyes closed. it was mr.grant’s assistant’s shoe. I knew this because it was all he talked about for weeks when he got them.
I stood up and looked around. there was something just 15 feet away from me. i was hesitant but i walked towards it. what I found was so shocking it took me awhile to comprehend it all. the chimp, mr. grant’s assistant, the receptionist. all dead. each of them gagged with a single bullet whole in the centre of their foreheads. i couldn’t bare to look at them, i was mortified. i would have screamed if I had a voice. i began to pace back and forth trying to think of how this could have happened, and who did it, and why! i looked down upon them and stopped worrying. their eyes were open and they were staring at me. the whites of their eyes glowed in the moonlight. they were watching me and they were laughing. suddenly i couldn’t care less about them. i turned around to walk away and went to place my hand in my back pocket. there was something in it. a gun. i turned and looked at them one last time. co-workers, gun. co-workers, gun. i felt no guilt. i brought the gun to my forehead.
“i won’t be at work for a bit. i’m going missing for a while”
posted by meg at 4:03 a.m.
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